being

When I write because I have to,

My fingers freeze.

My brain asks me to let it breathe

My heart asks to let it be free

So I let them

I turn off the technical,

And I turn on the natural

An ant scurries across my keyboard

Oblivious to my intentions

I’m bigger than it

Or is it bigger than me?

I listen to my neighbor snore beyond our shared wall

Separated only by thin plaster,

But in our own space

[Even so]

His noise urges me on

Reminds me that I am alone

but

Not lonely

That I do my best

That I am good

That I am happy

As long as I just let me be

The Battle of a Lifetime.

When I was 19 years old, I discovered that I had been lied to my entire life. No, life didn’t just consist of the cushy, secure walls of my home and my community, and actually, the privilege that I had was pretty rare. In fact, on closer examination, that cushion of a life that I had wasn’t even all that grand. I rudely, and suddenly had my eyes opened up to the truths of the world, and of my environment. I learned that the world is sick, rampant with injustices, corruption, and violence. Not everyone was the same, and not everything that I had be taught was true. I was angry. Why was I so sheltered and comfortable, when so many others weren’t?
I then learned of the injustices that I faced, as well; that they perhaps looked different from others, but that they were still there. I recalled being sexually harassed by a boy in the 7th grade. Even though it was just words, I still remember how terrifying that was for me, and how sick it still makes me to think of almost 20 years later. I remembered being shamed for having trouble learning math. How even though it was apparent that I struggled, it wasn’t addressed by my school, or my teachers. Backs were turned on me. I was shamed, yet it was acceptable, almost expected. At 19, I realized that many of the worst memories of my life, were directly, or indirectly, linked to my gender.
I became angrier.

With my anger, passion was born. With that passion, I sought out knowledge, and sought out ways to actively work to combat these injustices, both in my professional and personal life.

I’ve grown up. I realized that my perceptions and my experiences are unique, that the power of intersectionalities is profound.
I’ve learned that there is more to life than being liked. That even though I may make things uncomfortable by speaking out about them, or by working to have active conversations about them, it’s the right thing to do. That there is nothing more important than addressing, and ending the many injustices that we all face.

I’ve also learned that there is a balance. There is a right place, and a right time for everything. That relationships with people, even if you think they are wrong, are still important. You can’t change minds, or make progress, when there is so much disdain. I’m still working on that balance, and I feel that it is likely one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, that relates to my own character.

Perhaps, that struggle means that I have arrived, or maybe it just means that I’m getting closer. But then again, there might not be any destination at all. Maybe that’s exactly the point. It might just be a battle that I’ve fought my entire life, while not always being aware of it.

Waking Up

I woke up today (2-10-12), and the first line I read was, “the more you know about people, the more you realize that the things people do are rarely about you”. I’ve held onto it all day. As people surrounded by other people, and ultimately being self-absorbed, we can unnecessarily, and inaccurately, take so much offense to one another’s daily livings.

The world is vast. So vast, that we forget we aren’t the center. It’s a self-preservation thing I’m guessing, because if we remembered that we aren’t the center, then where would the pleasure be, the pleasure of living our lives as if the world was made for us?

Perhaps, we make the universe. We create it by the relationships we keep, and the relationships we don’t keep. The choices we make, and the choices we don’t make. The things we find meaningful and valuable, and the things we don’t.
The universe is personal.
Be good, be kind, be true.